I asked my Facebook fans to complete the sentence “I don’t understand why men …” and I received numerous responses. It’s clear that my assistance is required and it’s time for a powwow. I assembled a crew of cock-carrying creeps and asked them to help. After a few beers, the answers started flowing. I hope this isn’t too painful.

1. … are such assholes.
a. “Nuh uh, we are not.”
b. “Sounds like an angry chick to me. Bet she’d be fun to have hate sex with.”
c. “That’s one jaded woman. Run away!”

2. … try to understand what women are thinking.
a. “I know what women are thinking: How can I trap a man and take his money?”
b. “It changes so damn often I can’t keep up.”
c. “I’ve quit trying to understand women. I just smile, nod, and agree with whatever they say.”

3. … disregard their women’s feelings.
a. “Wait a minute. If I don’t understand her feelings, how can I address them?”
b. “Every time I ask what’s wrong, she says ‘nothing’ so what am I supposed to do, read her mind?”
c. “Hey, does anyone know the spread on the Eagles game this weekend?”

4. … don’t provide enough foreplay.
a. “What? So spitting in my palm doesn’t count?”
b. “Sorry, but my boners have time limits.”
c. “Why can’t she just act like the oven and ding when she’s preheated?”

5. … have to fix everything instead of listening.
a. “Because I have a Dremel.”
b. “It’s easier to fix it and stop the whining before I get a migraine.”
c. “I was born to fix things. My daddy taught me well.”

6. … are poor communicators.
a. “I thought communication was a two-way street. I bet she’s referring to listening.”
b. “I have no problem texting her daily.”
c. “It’s her fault that she hasn’t taken the time to understand my gestures and grunts.”

7. … like to push our buttons.
a. “She pushed mine first!”
b. “It was an accident.”
c. “I need to push her away hard enough to be confident that she won’t leave me.”

8. … can find every hole but the one in the toilet.
a. “I don’t pee on the goddamned floor or seat, honey. It splashes there. That’s the price of carrying such a large hose.”
b. “What’s wrong with a little ear fucking between lovers?”
c. “Maybe those holes are so big that they’re harder to miss.” Dude, enjoy your new bed: the sofa.

9. … chase women who are out of their league.
a. “Because women can be bought.”
b. “What’s wrong with a little ambition?”
c. “We love a challenge and firm asses.”

10. … desire and can have meaningless sex.
a. “It’s cheaper in the long run.”
b. “Wait a minute. What about the woman on the receiving end of that sex? She’s doing the same thing.”
c. “Because we have an unlimited supply of sperm and an inherent desire to spread our genes.”

11. … don’t say what they mean.
a. “Because it always gets me in trouble.”
b. “Half the time I don’t even know what I mean.”
c. “I say what I mean. She doesn’t want to hear it, so she hears what she wants.”

12. … are such babies when they have colds.
a. “Hey, you’re supposed to be mothering me. Make me soup.”
b. “God made women numb so they can handle childbirth. They can’t relate to the severe pain of a man’s sniffles.”
c. “If I die, who will take care of her? Probably the firefighter down the street–that bastard!”

13. … are selfish and insensitive.
a. “Really? Did I buy the Tiffany bracelet for my benefit?”
b. “I don’t care and I need another beer.”
c. “Because when we were little, our brothers and buddies constantly picked on us.”

14. … need approval from their male friends.
a. “We’re used to having coaches, teammates, and fans. [insert chest bump]”
b. “My friends happen to have great taste in cars, clothing, and beer.”
c. “Because I can’t keep running everything past my father.”

15. … have so many issues with hair.
a. “You must be kidding. You spent how much money last month at the salon, having your roots colored?”
b. “You have no idea how tedious it is to shave my head and face almost daily. No, it does not compare to legs and armpits.”
c. “If you don’t like it, you shave it. While you’re at it, let me take a razor to that Chia Pet you’re cultivating down there.”Sorry. Now you know why my friends and I were left holding our own.