How to lose weight, make money, have lots of sex, and watch people fight.

storeBrowse lists of top books, movies, video games, and TV shows. What are the common themes? Fitness, finance, fucking, and fighting. Fabulous! If there were a way to combine them, the creator would have a deadly potion. I’ll brainstorm plots here, perhaps inspiring someone to write it out and be the next sensation.

  1. A chubby girl joins a gym, and hires a personal trainer. He’s an ab-tastic stud, who also happens to train MMA fighters. She decides to become a fighter. She trains, loses weight, and falls in love with her trainer. They have lots of sweaty sex. She beats up mean girls, becomes a world champion, and makes a fortune in endorsements.
  2. A married man lets himself go, and has his beer-filled belly kicked to the curb by his wife. Let’s raise the stakes by giving him something to fight: cancer. Just when he’s about to end it all by jumping from the roof of his office building, he falls in love with a window washer. She inspires him to drink jasmine tea and take yoga. His cancer goes into remission. They screw often. He helps her create a YouTube video sensation called “Tea and Yoga.” The dollars come rolling in. His ex-wife gets none of the F-you money.
  3. A tuba player in the high school band is ridiculed by the popular kids for being a bit oval. He’s pissed, but he also has asthma so he can’t fight. He falls in love with a flutist, who is also beefy. They begin playing beach volleyball for fun. Next thing you know, the weight starts falling off both of them. His asthma goes away. They’re discovered by a US Olympic team scout and signed. They lose their virginity simultaneously and fuck constantly on the way to winning the first co-ed gold. Huge endorsements line their pockets.
  4. A college girl wants badly to lose her virginity, to no avail. She’s in love with the center on their basketball team, but he’s in love with a skinny bimbo cheerleader with big fake knockers and rich parents. The virgin hires a porn star to teach her how to give a blowjob. She opens a massage parlor to practice. All the yanky-cranky helps her lose weight. The center pulls a muscle and goes to see the virgin for a massage. She pulls his main muscle, and loses her virginity to him. His girlfriend walks in on them, mid-boning. The until-recently virgin beats her skanky Barbie butt. Basketball dude proposes. They marry. He’s signed by the Knicks. They star in a reality TV show and make millions.

Hey, wait a minute. I’m a fucking writer. What business do I have giving away all of my brilliant plots? Don’t you dare write any stories based on these. In fact, don’t even mention them to any of your greedy friends who might steal my ideas for their blogs. These are mine.

You don’t need to lose weight, etc. I suggest you write a cookbook. Another F: food! Hmm. How about a chick who cooks naked and loses weight in the kitchen while she prepares amazing feasts? Yes! Her cameraman gets excited. The two get intertwined while dining, and create an arsenal of gourmet meatballs. They film a new Food Network show called “Meatball Wars,” where they fight other couples … naked. Brilliant!

Some people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

reviews

Any author who says he doesn’t pay attention to reviews is lying. Same goes for celebrities who claim to never read what is written about them. Authors are forced to deal with reviews because readers do consider them when making a purchase. Poor reviews, regardless of what motivated them, hurt the author’s income directly. The effect isn’t quite so direct for actors. Tom Cruise is going to get paid, whether you like him as Jack Reacher or not.

I bring this up because I was curious why there was such a dichotomy with E. L. James’ Fifty Shades, especially book one. It seems most readers love it or hate it. I wondered if this phenomenon was going to bleed over to my parodies. It did and that bothers me. If I were selling 75,000 copies a day, like James, I would similarly not give much of a shit. Since, for me, reviews translate into sales, which translate into a dinner of hamburger and happy hour draft or chorizo penne and pinot, I need to give quite a shit. So, I tried to find the reason for the polarity of the reviews, and believe I have succeeded.

Many women who love her book, hate my parodies and vice versa. I believe the root cause is battered woman’s syndrome. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Hear me out.

The main figure in her book is Christian, who is domineering and abusive. He makes innocent Ana do things against her will. He strips her of her privacy, innocence, and virginity. He controls her, much as he has controlled many women before her. Naturally, there’s no talk of him causing physical harm. Still, make no mistake: A man like this in your life may bring you to orgasm, but don’t be surprised when he goes too far.

As I read her books, his character angered me because the last thing I want to see is a woman turned on by a beast like Christian. We all know five years hence she’ll be telling an officer and coworkers she got the bruises from falling. She’ll defend him because his love is intense. It’s an addiction. The high is worth the pain of the prick.

So, in my books I played off this character and called him out for what he is: a disgusting, self-entitled, deranged, misogynistic animal who doesn’t know how to treat others properly. Women who love James’ books and love her Christian character, defend him by abusing me in reviews. They can’t attack my character (Mormon), because he’s a gentleman. Instead they attack his creator, without regard for the fact that my books are humorous parodies.

If these 1-star reviewers don’t find my books to be funny, I can live with that. I can’t teach funny. But, they write these hateful reviews and attack me and my trade personally, instead of being honest with themselves and other readers about why my books make them uncomfortable. They’re suffering from battered woman’s syndrome, and don’t want the man-in-the-mind exposed for what he is.

I wish I could have psychological profiles done on the reviewers. I bet the 5-star reviewers would be women who see the real Christian and refuse to submit to abuse. That’s my kind of woman: strong and intolerant of anyone attempting to control them. To you, my dears, I give SIX STARS!

The Nice Guy Show – 3/5, segment #4 – Publishing

So, you want to write a book?

In this week’s show I discuss how to go from idea to book with my co-hosts Cathy McLoughlin, Dr. Michelle Wolford, and interior designer Michelle Salz-Smith.