Your Guide to Group Dates

With all the disappointment surrounding most one-on-one internet-arranged blind dates, let’s welcome a new way to meet people: group dates. Think of this as the buffet of the dating world. Instead of being stuck with a meal (mate) the waiter (website) recommends because it’s about to spoil (hasn’t been laid since white belts were cool), you can browse the buffet until you satisfy your appetite.

Typical complaints I hear regarding dates arranged by traditional dating sites include:

  1. He was ten years older than he claimed–maybe twenty.
  2. She was twenty pounds heavier than she claimed–maybe thirty.
  3. He was four inches shorter than he claimed.
  4. She had ass breath.
  5. He wore leather sandals.
  6. She downed four drinks before dinner.
  7. He must have showered in cheap cologne. I smelled him from the parking lot.
  8. She spent most of the date staring at her iPhone.
  9. He was expecting to have sex after dinner.
  10. She had man hands.

This can all be avoided on the group date. When stuck next to a dud, excuse yourself and move down the buffet to the next item, Sugarsnack. Keep in mind there’s a certain decorum required in the group date atmosphere. It’s not quite as awkward as the one-on-one date, but you don’t want to show up unprepared. Let me help.

Date preparation do:

  • Cleanse thyself.
  • Trim your fucking nails. (Sorry, that’s a pinch point … in fact, “pinch point” is a pinch point.)
  • Mute your phone.
  • Iron that top–sleeves too.
  • Whiten dem teefs.

Date preparation do NOT:

  • Eat garlic within 24 hours.
  • Pre-Stalk the attendees.
  • Ride a bike to the date, unless the date involves a bike ride, in which case, why are you going on that date?
  • Be the first to arrive.
  • Wear all white or all black.

During the group date, do:

  • Smile.
  • Ask others about their interests.
  • Laugh at jokes, even when not funny.
  • Pull chairs out for ladies.
  • Be subtle when checking out boobs, butts, hand sizes, etc.

During the group date, do NOT:

  • Avoid alcohol, but don’t get shickered (yes, that’s a word) either.
  • Begin every sentence with “I …”.
  • Attempt to play footsies.
  • Allow rivals to know your target.
  • Talk about Jesus, Romney, your roommates, prison, or that “thing” you had removed.

After the date, do:

  • Tell people it was nice meeting them, without asking if you can mate soon.
  • Keep a positive attitude. Consider it a success, even when no condoms are involved.
  • A little research by Googling those who grabbed your interest. If you find a lovely picture and have an irresistible urge to release yourself, please close the blinds and never confess it.
  • Tip generously.
  • Hold the door for ladies.

After the date, do NOT:

  • Suggest a nightcap in a hot tub.
  • Let anyone see you get on the bus or in your car if it is a beater.
  • Spoil the fact that you were fortunate to receive a phone number by texting something corny on the way home. 
  • Expect a marriage proposal.
  • Give up. Keep hitting that buffet, Babycakes.

Your guide to better first dates in 2012.

It’s a new year, Sunshine; resolve to avoid bad first dates. This will require more advanced screening and strategies for quick exits. Since most of your dates will probably originate online, take the time to scan his profile for red flags and insist he sends you three recent photos containing complete body shots. If any of those photos contains a shirt with ferns, sandals with socks, or nose hair, shut ‘er down.

He’ll probably suggest you meet over dinner. Bad idea. So much can go wrong during a two-hour dinner. Meet him for a coffee and ask a close friend to call you five minutes after the date begins. Another option is to meet at the mall for a frozen yogurt. This is also a test to see what sort of taste he has. If his bowl overfloweth with gummy bears and he insists you pay for your own cone, leave him alone.

Lower your expectations because the man who shows up will probably be five to ten years older than the one you’ve been flirting with online. He’ll also be twenty pounds heavier, three to five inches shorter, and may show up with his TGI Friday’s vest still on. He’ll have less hair than you expect in one place and lots more in others. You’re no Halle Berry, so take it easy on the poor fellow.

During the date, ask him lots of questions pertaining to how he spends his free time. This will give you a sense of if and where you’ll fit. For instance, if he spends his free time playing Modern Warfare, lighting farts, or skateboarding around an abandoned pool, ditch the fool.

I realize most matchmakers insist there’s to be no discussion around religion, politics, and sex on the first date. I say nonsense. You need to know sooner, rather than later, if he’s a Mormon Conservative with a diaper fetish. You should also make it clear to the monkey that he will not be granted access to your interior before date number five, a thorough scrubbing, and much tequila.

Here are some other questions, many will consider to be somewhat personal, but I insist will save you hours of wasted time:

  • Do you shave or at least trim your ball hair?
  • Have you tried the blue pill and do you have any left?
  • Do you snore?
  • Do you think it’s funny to fart in front of your girlfriend?
  • How about burp?
  • Do you live with roommates, family members, or reptiles?
  • How many pairs of shoes do you own?
  • What’s the square root of nine?
  • What’s the last book you read?
  • Do you have a criminal record, herpes, or bleeding hemmrhoids?
  • Have we dated before?
  • Does your ex-girlfriend know she’s your ex-girlfriend?

If he is aghast at your forthrightness, shoo him away. You don’t have time to waste on snooty dudes. If he answers all questions without flinching, you may have a keeper; proceed to step two: the dinner date.

Go get him, Champ!