Archives for October 2014

How To Date Republican Men

repubWhy don’t you go adopt a puppy instead? Have you considered full on lesbianism? Why not? Guys suck, in general. You wouldn’t need to worry about getting knocked up. Think of the Greenhouse Effect: Gaseous emissions in your bedroom would be greatly reduced. There are a few rich liberals out there, you know. Fuck. Just abstain, will ya?

All right, if you insist. I warned you.

The first thing this conservative twat must learn to do is please a woman without giving her a guilt trip. That can involve being a good listener, gifts, acts of kindness, and tongue-punching her love bean. If he does those things well, she can tolerate sermons, financial newspapers, and conspiracy theories.

He’s going to correct you often. Learn to ignore his pompousness, and resist the urge to correct him, which might send him back to rehab. He’ll insist we—which, in most cases doesn’t included him—build high fences, and go kill people far away who disagree with us, or happen to be ill. Allow him to rant. Think about those designer bangles you saw in the Tiffany window, smile, and pat his forearm.

If you haven’t yet secured Mr. Pahrump, where would you find one? Yes, church, but you can’t do much flirting there. God hates boners, so your man will be uncomfortable. I suggest you hang at a Starbucks that happens to be close to a Wells Fargo branch. You might catch one of these whales carrying a gorgeous, vinyl zipper bag full of his daily deposit. He’ll make sure you—and everyone except brown people—see it.

Now, the approach.

Make sure you are dressed reasonably. No frayed jean shorts, please, unless you happen to be at a truck stop and your name is Bruce. A knee-length skirt works. If you can find rimless square reading glasses, he won’t be able to resist you. It’s also a good idea to wear a savior torture device around your neck. (Yes, a cross. Good thing Jesus wasn’t electrocuted. Imagine how cumbersome it would be to wear a chair.)

When Mr. Pahrump tucks the zipper purse under his arm, grabs a WSJ, and gets in line for his afternoon latte, jump behind him. Drop something. He’ll probably ignore that. When you bend over to retrieve it, head butt his butt, accidentally. Apologize, tell him you’re new to the area, and ask if he has any recommendations for country clubs to host your fundraiser. If he stares vapidly, ask if he’s buying or selling Pfizer. Still nothing? He’s a goddamned poser.

Chances are, he’ll casually slip that wedding ring into his left pocket, and offer to buy you a foamy beverage. All you need do is smile and act impressed. He’ll peacock like crazy. Make like you’re seeing fireworks. When he innocuously places his Mercedes key on the table, tell him how you’ve always dreamed of driving one. You’ll be whisked away to Ruth’s Chris before you can say “Rush Limbaugh.”

The more conservative he is, the more likely it will be that you’ll encounter odd kinkery on his part. Prepare yourself for catching him masturbating to Fox News or Food Network shows. Come home early one night, and he might be wearing your panties. Could be worse. They could be your lace ones.

How To Date Confident Men

confidentHe’s a well-established man with a plan, and you might be part of it. Pay no attention to that alter ego behind the curtain. The man you want is in your face. He has a richly scented air about him. He doesn’t need you; he wants to embellish himself with you. You’re OK with that?

No woman wants some smarmy dude approaching her, no matter how chiseled he is. If he giggles and blushes, he’s not the boy for you. Timid men are repulsive, even rich ones. Make sure the candidate has substantial sperm lockers before wasting time on an emotional drain.

You need to understand Mr. King’s roots. His not-giving-a-shittitude is likely due to being turned down by dozens of women not normally available to him. That might make him sound like a player, but here’s the thing: If he can shrug off rejection, and step back up to the plate, he’s going to hit one out eventually. You could be the curve he’s seeking.

Unless you hang out at high roller tables, you’ll need to hunt for this beast. I advise you begin at a bar. (Shocking. I know.) Get to know fine wine, and look for a dude with a prime nectar in front of him. Also keep an eye out for Scotch drinkers, especially aged 18-plus (both the man and the Scotch, please). You see, Scotch tastes like smoky ass. If he’s spending $25 on a glass of smoky turpentine, you can bet he’s confident.

Your approach is key. Although you may not be submissive, you’ll need to play that role. Confident men aren’t looking for competition in the bedroom. Stroke his ego by complimenting his watch, wardrobe, and flashy white smile. Tell him you have a boyfriend who’s boring as daytime television. Hint that you’re considering an upgrade. Ask Mr. King for advice. He’ll leap to his feet, trash your imaginary boyfriend, and rescue you in his six-figure chariot.

Remember when you were young and Mom took you on a play date? You met the new kid. He had food on his face, his hair was messy, and his corduroy onesie was wrinkled. You couldn’t call a taxi, because you were five. You were stuck. Little Lou noticed your disappointment, and how did he win you over? He emptied the toy closet. Eventually, you found an item worthy of admiration, and he became your first (albeit spoiled milk smelling) love.

Roll forward thirty years and it’s the same game. Only, now your girlfriends dragged you away from the TV, and introduced you to Mr. King. Sit back and watch him empty his adult closet. You’ll hear about his executive position, summer home, and coin collection. Dull, I know. You can smile, and show tiny hints of boredom. He’ll persist through your yawns and distraction. Eventually, he’ll bring up jewelry, handbags, and Italy.

*Ding, ding, ding!* Your attention, please. Time to look impressed, and fill your mental walk-in with all the shiny goodies coming your way!

The key to keeping the deposits coming is to continually show shock, awe, and appreciation. You can always keep a boy on the side, if necessary. Even if Mr. Confident finds out, his competitive nature won’t let him walk away from all he has invested in his lovely candy. Be sweet, and glitter on, my love.

How To Date Tall Men

tallFinally, you get to break out those five-inchers you could never wear with the ex. You’ll sport a perky, bouncy butt for Big Ben to enjoy. Wonderful!

The benefits of having a tall fellow around far outweigh the drawbacks. You can have him fetch rarely-used plates from top shelves. He can dust the tops of curios.

Sex might be cumbersome. You’ll need a stool for doggy-style, and forget about screwing the car, unless you have an Escalade. Bathtub sex is unlikely, 69 is a stretch, but titty fucking might be fun.

A tall guy usually has large feet and hands, which suggests the likelihood that he’s packing quite a pole in his pants. However, if he’s not, the rest of his bigness will make his meager penis look miniscule—think lap acorn. Also, his large hands will engulf your boobs, sliding them back toward “A” on the scale. But, when those mitts grab your butt, you’ll be proud of your shrunken posterior. See? It’s all in the perspective.

Where does one find tall men? Well, sure, basketball courts are lay-ups. If you can get past two hours of squeaky sneakers and sweat mops, it is a target-rich environment. You could visit big and tall stores. Tell the clerk you’re shopping for your father, while you scope the area for prey. Heck, tall guys hang out just about everywhere, and unlike their jockey-esque counterparts, you won’t need to rummage through carpeting to find them.

Once you’ve identified the target, approach him confidently. Ask him to do something for you. Guys like that. It makes us feel useful. Ask if he can fetch an item you can’t reach. No, not your g-spot yet, silly. Oh, and don’t use that whiny voice. Be seductive.

“Hello, handsome. Is there any chance you could grab me that tin of almonds? Oh, you’re a peach.”

Lerch will ask you out and, before you know it, you’ll be slow dancing with your nose in his bellybutton as he checks you for head lice. You don’t want him crushing your toes, so go right ahead and stand on his feet. He’ll think it’s cute. It will remind you of dear ole dad.

Hmm. OK, that’s creepy. Sorry.

Once you get this giraffe back to your pen, you can gauge how well he fits in your sofa, shower, bed, and, most importantly you. Don’t hesitate to call him names like Stretch or Shaq or Stilts. Tall guys aren’t sensitive. Have him spank you. Your girlies will think some superhero went to town on you when you show off the welt.

Good ideas for dates include all the usual spots except miniature golf, croquet, and horseback riding. Take him around Asian people, when you get a chance. It’s entertaining to see how fascinated they are by your man. Some might even point and yell, “Godzirra!” If he’s a good sport, he’ll growl, and spit fire at them.

Enjoy your rare find. Remind him to duck into doorways, and buy him a Yorkie, just for yucks.

How To Date Brown Men

brownSensitive? Me? Not really—OK, around the nipples a bit. But, if you’re easily offended (Really? And, you made it this far?), best skip this chapter.

Like purses and shoes, men come in different colors. I don’t care what color man you prefer any more than I care what color clutch you carry. Still, certain shades of men usually offer different benefits. My comments and suggestions may or may not apply to the toasted treat you’re after.

Enough fucking disclaimers.

There are different shades of brown. Let’s cover the African shade first. I’m friends with many, and am delighted to have an adopted mocha sister, whom I adore. She refers to brown men with shaven heads as Cocoa Puffs. Want one? Well, good on you.

Things to know:

  • They are not all hung like elephants.
  • They do eat pussy.
  • They moisturize almost as much as you.

You can find yourself a Cocoa Puff practically anywhere, except in bowling alleys and on surf boards. They are much smarter than their creamy counterparts when it comes to mating. Puffs don’t judge women on weight, and won’t sit back and wait. Puffs will approach you, and make their intentions clear … well, sort of clear, as long as you don’t mind mixed pronouns.

Once you’ve selected your Puff, how do you keep him loyal? Well, like any man, keep him sexually drained. I’d also advise you to stick to stairs or escalators. Most vanilla knuckleheads like me are instantly intimidated (for no good reason) by your Puff, so he will be an excellent protector, as we don’t want our “ass beat.”

In case your preferred shade of brown is lighter, as in Latin, I also commend your selection. You have fine taste. I also enjoy a spicy Puerto Rican (rum too) on occasion. They have such lovely derrieres and dark chocolate eyes that make me melt in their hands.

Latin men are often amazing chefs (a bit heavy on the carbs, at times). They like their food fiery to match their personality. Also, exceptional dancers, these men. And, as many women have insisted, good moves on the dance floor means good moves on the mattress. Yay for you! Learn a few phrases to keep him happy, such as “Ay, Papi.” Oh, and if you can kick around a soccer ball, that’s a bonus.

In the event your preferred shade of brown is Indian … I gots nothin’. Only Indian dudes I know call me on a daily basis offering me all kinds of shit I don’t need. I’ve seen a few in movies and they always seem excited, and often over-enunciate. Hey, one thing is they are hairy fuckers, like me. That could keep you warm, right? I love their food. Man, they can blend up spinach, coconut, and spices, hand me a pita, and I’m in fucking heaven. Think of what you’ll save on utensils and dishwashing detergent.

No matter what type of tan you fancy, I highly encourage you to step outside your race, and experience something new. A gray world would be a happier world.

How To Date Yoga Men

yogiHeterosexual men who do yoga do it for one of two reasons: to meet women or to get more limber … while meeting women. So, if you find a cutie in your class, you can be confident that he wouldn’t mind downward doggy-styling you.

I don’t do yoga. Yes, I know I should for various reasons including the two aforementioned. My version of yoga is called Crush Metal Sweat Yoga—you sit in the sauna listening to Five Finger Death Punch while playing Candy Crush. There’s enough distraction to melt pounds off, and distract you from the malodorous man-sweat of laziness.

You’re thinking a yoga boy should have superior dexterity. True dat. His oral skills and clit awareness might be more important, but if you enjoy pretzel sex, I understand. Perhaps you have a thing for doing it in closets, jet restrooms, and the backseat of a Beetle. Yep, he’s your man.

Three possible pinch points I foresee:

  • Dirty feet
  • New age religious nonsense
  • Being dragged out of bed by Mr. Too Energetic into class with a two-bottle Pinot hangover

So, maybe you’ve got the hots for your haute yoga instructor. You got a gander at his lap Buddha and you’re dreaming of this yogi giving his yogini a pelvic workout after class. How do you break through to you-know-who? Simple. Cringe and pretend you can’t quite master a certain pose. Give him kitten eyes. He’ll offer assistance, which should include placing his hands on you, and getting his little Buddha in the vicinity of your princess. (Note that if, instead, he pokes you with a stick, move on.) Arch your back into him so your intentions are clear. This is also a great time to evaluate his hygiene.

Once yogi gets the hint, he should approach you after class. Make it easier for him by taking your sweet time rolling up that salty mat of yours. He’ll probably ask you out for a Jamba Juice or shot of wheatgrass (ew, fuck, yuck). You can agree to one such date, but then you need to set some boundaries way outside the vegetable group. If he wants his meat glazed, he had better be willing to throw down tequila—after all, it is gluten free, I think.

Once you’ve secured limber Louie, keep in mind that he’ll be pelted daily with vag offerings from many yoginis. You need to keep him sufficiently desemenated in order to remove temptation. Insist on having sex right before he leaves to teach a class. If he resists at all, using excuses like he doesn’t want to smell all salty-sexy in a warm, enclosed room, say, “Why? Are you saying I’m stinky down there? Hmm. Well, maybe I should shut her down for a few weeks.” He’ll backpedal, and cave to your wishes.

Yogis love water. Ordinarily, that would not be a cause for concern. But, these guys overdo it. You’ll find plastic water bottles with two ounces left rolling around the floor of the car, and on every table and countertop. He’ll even have them on his bedside table, and he’ll wake you up twice a night making that damn bottle noise while he gulps. Buy him a metal bottle, and place all the empties in his sock drawer. That’ll teach him.