Archives for May 2014

How To Date Sensitive Men

sensitiveWe’re not all made of stone. (Though, you probably wish a certain part of us were.) Some of us will actually tear up when our heartstrings are tugged—others, only when a nose hair is tugged. Here, I’m referring to emotionally sensitive men. Let’s discuss the physically sensitive ones later.

First, congratulate yourself for considering this type of man. Is this something your mother forced on you? No? Hmm. Look, I know you say you want to date a kinder, gentler type of man, but I keep seeing you hanging out with tattooed, road-raging, chew spitting biker freaks. You’re over them? Are you sure? Because, if you relapse and climb back on that wagon with the Harley decal, you’re going to do some serious emotional damage to this already fragile man.

Fine. Proceed.

Where does one find such a man? I suggest movie theaters. You’re going to need to snoop a bit to make sure he’s seeing a rom-com and not some blow-shit-up flick. See if he orders a croissant and coffee, and uses a napkin for a heat insulator—prime target. Follow him into the theater, plop your gracious butt next to his, smile, and greet him. During the movie, when he sniffs, pat his forearm. Ole Pissy-Eyes will be yours.

Other places to search for the tender man include animal shelters, salons, and Hallmark stores. If you catch him reading greeting cards, he’s your man. Ask him to help you find a card for your brother who has just had his appendix removed. He’ll leap (or curtsy) at the chance.

Once you have Mr. Placid locked in as a steady dude, you need some advice about proper care and maintenance. Your main objective is to keep him far away from that slutty friend of yours, who you like to hang with because of her sexcapade stories. If she gets her hands on him, she will bang him into next Thursday just to find out what it is you see in him. He’ll be ruined. Keep her away.

Whereas you’re usually the one starved for that text or call, chances are he’ll be much more needy. (Good. You’ll see how fucking annoying it is to constantly count the minutes since responding to your “How’s your day?” text. It’s stressful and it sucks monkey butt, let me tell ya.) He’s going to text you and call you constantly. Happy now? Oh, he’s also going to ask what’s wrong every few hours. Most of the time nothing will be wrong. He’ll still ask—over and over until something is wrong.

You need to accompany him to family gatherings. This will give you valuable insight into what made him this way. (My guess is he was raised by a single mother, and he grew up with three sisters and a parakeet.) Be prepared to have his mother show you baby pictures. Deep breath.

He’s going to need constant reassurance and affection. He’ll bring you around his friends, and ask you to sit on his lap, so he can feel proud of his achievement, and so his friends will stop picking on him about his frosted hair and Prius. Sensitive does not (always) suggest sausage-lover.

Enjoy His Kindness, while it lasts. Smile when you find his I-Love-You sticky notes everywhere. Appreciate his clean toenails. Do this until you can’t live without that next spanking.

How to Date Athletic Men

athletesTo be clear, the term “athletic” is subjective. I’ve heard men describe themselves as athletic, then justify it by saying they bowl, golf, or play darts. Yet, for most non-deluded types, athleticism implies fitness, hence, that’s the sort I’m referring to. Let’s lump larpers and competitive eaters with the rest of the sedentary in another category for another time.

Say you’ve had a devastating break-up, and you’ve decided to heal (punish) yourself with extreme training for, say, marathons, for example.

Really? OK, if you insist. You do know they make this thing called a car now, that can easily traverse the 26 miles in 30 minutes or less. No, I completely understand. Go right ahead. Sure, what a great way to spend five fucking hours! Of what use are hips and knees at the retirement home? Carry on, my wayward nipple blister.

Ah, I see. You’ve decided this would be a fine way to meet Mr. Next. Great idea! Maybe a 5K would be sufficient. Bring your container of orange slices to registration, and check out the field. Avoid the bony types of boys. Yuck. Your man needs to have some meat on him, or he’ll be cramping up every time he heads south.

So, you’ve spotted a hunk-a-roo. What do you do? Walk right on up, slap him on the (solid) hiney, and ask him what’s shakin’. Tell him you’re new to this run-until-you-have-quarter-sized-blisters thing. Ask for advice. Guys love giving advice. True, most of it is as useless as tits on a bull, but act interested, will you? Chances are, he’ll offer to help train you. Tell him your thighs are tightening up. Ask if he’d help you stretch. He’ll leap at the opportunity. Lie on your back and allow him to pseudo-mount you like that hunky trainer once did.

When it’s race day, insist that he not slow his pace on your behalf. If he agrees, and all you see is heels and elbows, fuck him. (Not literally.) Kick his salty balls to the curb. But, if he says, “Don’t be silly, my love,” Too-Short-Shorts Shane is yours to keep.

To maintain this hyperactive twat, you’ll need a waterproof hamper, and plenty of Tide. He’ll constantly be sweating through layers of clothing. Also, I highly recommend cedar hangers, and shoe-freshening balls.

His superior strength and lung capacity will come in handy. When’s the last time you had Sex du Soleil? You know the kind: Where the man stands, lifts you off the ground, and slams you while working his abs. Good stuff. Most men can barely achieve this with the aid of a wall or counter. Think of the bragging rights you’ll have.

High lung capacity comes in handy for underwater cunnilingus. I consider myself superior, because I have snorkeling equipment for such occasions. Think about it. Nice, huh? See you at the Y.

How to Date Hairy Men

hairySome men are hairy. Deal with it. In fact, unless you’re watching the Olympic High Dive competition, The Bachelor, or porn, you should expect it. Heck, it’s a sign of maturity. Sure, there are instances of overgrowth, but nothing a handy trimmer can’t clean up. Have you ever thought that shearing your man could be sexy? It could.

I’ve heard a few women (Patti Stanger) say they prefer clean shaven chests. That’s silly, and borderline as creepy as a hairless fucking cat. Are you telling me you don’t mind feeling stubble on a man’s chest and arms? Seriously? You, the woman who gets all paranoid when her man touches a thigh that hasn’t been scraped in days? Come on.

If you happen to be this advanced, yet sexily underevolved type of woman who appreciates manly men, you can and should treat yourself to an occasional Chewbacca. Italian men, Greek men, Jewish men, etc. are prime specimens with soft wisps of fur, sure to make you purr.

Where does one find these animals? Just about everywhere. Look around. Check the wrists and base of the skull for telltale signs of post-pubescence. If the fur is concealed, yet you suspect he’s bushy, use your nose. Hairy fellows typically spray a few extra mists of fine cologne to penetrate the forest. If he’s spicy, he’ll be nicey.

Once you’ve begun bedding this tumbleweed, you’ll need to gently insist upon grooming. The undercarriage on this beast can quickly become overgrown, concealing the goodness within. Hit up Amazon, and find a sturdy pair of clippers. Zip, zip, zip­—a bundle of fur on the bathroom floor, and a bundle of fun being slammed into the shower door. Plus, no hacking up fur balls after the next blow job.

Speaking of showers, I know how you like to keep a disposable razor or two in there. Frankly, those six-bladed monstrosities scare me and my precious balls. Yet, some men are unafraid. They will lather up a sack and take your soapy rimmed fuzz slicer to the male shrubbery. I tell you this because it will dull your blades, and quite possibly cause pain the next time you clean up “down there.”

A simple solution is to put keep some of his razors in the shower, and hide yours in a box of tampons.

Although this fellow is proud of his man-lawn, he may have a bit of insecurity about it. To prevent any mishaps, avoid twirling or braiding his knuckle fur. If he has a stray hair (or six) hanging off an ear about the size of floss, flopping in the breeze, don’t assume that it isn’t connected. It probably is. If you yank it, he will yelp and backhand you.

Your furry life partner is swell to have around on chilly evenings. Cuddle up to that chest bedding and enjoy. If it happens to be a warm night, press your feet into his back to keep him at bay. It will be like standing on a thick pile shag from the seventies. Wonderful.

Enjoy your critter. Keep Mr. Chia trimmed, and he’ll bring you much cheer.

How to Date Short Men

ChiweenieI’ve been inspired by the talented actor (Peter Dinklage), who plays Tyrion on Game of Thrones. What an awesome dude! Many of you silly women wouldn’t consider such a chap, or any man who happens to be shorter than you. Perish the shortism, you Amazonly beast. You must consider this man in your search for a mate. I’ll tell you why.

This little fellow has had to deal his whole life with people looking down on him … literally and figuratively. He has learned to cope–not by wearing platforms or riding tall horses. Nay. He has emotionally numbed himself. This is a good thing. You don’t want to have to watch every step you take. (Gosh, you might trip.)

There are many breeds of vertically-challenged men. Aside from thick skin (and cute fingers, which remind me of vienna sausages), they typically have great levity, flippancy, and humor. These men will keep you in stitches. Consider them human Midol.

If I may, one suggestion would be to avoid asking him to go to the bar for drinks, unless they are thin-stemmed. Carrying bundles of logs through a thick forest isn’t his strong suit. Plus, if there’s gum under the bar, he may get some stuck in his hair, or he’ll be impaled by a purse hook. Horrors! Use him more appropriately: Fetching candy stuck in the vending machine, perhaps.

So, let’s say you’ve spotted one of these sorts across the room. (Nice eyesight. Guess that laser surgery paid off.) How should you approach him? Slowly. Don’t frighten the bugger. Stroll on up and introduce yourself. Shake his hand; don’t pat him on the head.

Now, keep in mind that, although he is short of stature, you mustn’t infer he is packing less than the average male. Numerous studies have shown that there is no correlation between hand-size, foot-size, or height, and the length or girth of his third leg. In fact, when you eventually bed this boy, and he approaches you carrying his loaded weapon, it will quite likely resemble a cannon in his tiny mitten. ’Tis a good thing.

Make small talk (pun—bad one—yes, I know), but don’t ask him anything silly like:

  • Were you in the Wizard of Oz?
  • Do you ever date women taller than you?
  • Can you juggle?
  • Are your undergarments limited to Garanimals?
  • How do you reach the cereal?

As you would with any minority, try to ignore his specialness. Treat him as you would any man, and he’ll be as loyal as a Chiweenie.

How To Date Horny Men

hornyI hear you, sweetness: “What man isn’t horny?”

Well, some are exceptionally horny. They might even have stronger sex drives than you. Imagine that.

Before we go any further, you need to be prepared for the inevitable. You will, at multiple times in various places, find this man masturbating. Don’t take it personally. Consider it a kind gesture on his part to not beg you for sex when you aren’t necessarily in the mood. Is it so awful to have him deposit his seed in a place where it won’t be running down your thigh?

Speaking of deposits, you need to also prepare for the places, which could include, but not be limited to:

  • The shower.
  • The toilet.
  • The closet. (This may involve a tube sock. Apologies.)
  • In front of the computer.
  • Over a sink.

None of these are cause for alarm. You don’t want to find him doing it in the car while parked in front of church, school, or Target. Those would be bad.

Got it?

So, how do you date ole Spanky? You’re going to need to give him lots of sex—a given. As long as you train him in the proper sharing of orgasmic duties, all is well. Dangle that vaginal carrot, and he’ll be your puppet. Remind him that ladies always come first, unless they defer.

Now, some of these lads are also kinky. He may want to introduce food, porn, or dirty talk into the festivities. You OK with that? Cool. Porn isn’t so bad. Focus on the shaven privates, ignore the “witty” dialog and over-acted grunting, and you’ll be fine. Set ground rules in advance, including a safe word. (I recommend, “Ouch, quit it, fucker.”)

Let’s say you’ve been dating Mr. Sleepy, and you’re ready for a little more action. You see frothed up Freddie across the bar, who’s constantly adjusting his package. When you say hi, he looks you straight in the boobs and gurgles like a toddler. Could be worse. Undo that top button and challenge him to pool. Always go for the long shots, which require you to bend over the table. Before long, he’ll be a stiff mess. Just get him home before he makes cumsies in his jeans.

I recommend you take this handy shopping list to prepare for your relationship:

  • Astroglide
  • Lysol Wipes (Clean your remote weekly.)
  • Tide to Go Instant Stain Remover (Get the 3-pack and keep one in your purse.)
  • Ice Packs
  • Optional – The TLC CyberSkin Vibrating Perfect Butt (If you think I could make this shit up, search for it on Amazon. I dream of the day when an Amazon drone drops this in my driveway.)

How To Date Clumsy Men

clumsyThere are men who might be, shall we say, less graceful than others. Just because he can’t keep a beat, whistles out of tune, or tends to have numerous drivers back into him, doesn’t mean he isn’t adorable, and worth a few Band-Aids. You’re the lady; you head up the poise department. Let him stumble. It will be valuable giggle material.

Just because he’s super-dreamy, doesn’t mean he has hand-eye coordination. So what? Please, don’t make it worse by pointing it out.

“Honey, careful, don’t step in that … oh, look what you did. Bad boy!”

That’s not going to make him want to rub lotion into your feet.

Just prepare yourself by expecting oopsies. I’ll give you a list of what might happen, and I’m not self-incriminating here. Honest.

Things a clumsy man might do:

  1. Put on his underwear or shirt inside-out, and wear it that way all day.
  2. Back into the closed garage door.
  3. Microwave something silly, like an egg.
  4. Fart during an orgasm.
  5. Spill wine on you.
  6. Drop the fork, then bang his head on the table when he gets up from retrieving it, thus causing thing #5.
  7. Poke your taint.
  8. Walk into the ladies room, accidentally.
  9. Forget to put the tea bag in the tea he made you.
  10. Leave a wonderful present in the guest bathroom toilet, right before guests arrive.
  11. Bring a baseball glove to an MLB game, when he couldn’t catch a snail with a net.
  12. Run up your heels with a shopping cart.

If he’s cute enough for you to tolerate this and more, here’s how to snag him. (Oh, and he’ll probably snag his watch on your expensive top and create a pull.) First, never suggest anything requiring above-apelike coordination. If he does this, tell him you have cramps. Second, treat him like a five-year-old. Hold his hand, keep him away from the curb, and buy him loafers. Third, avoid couples dates. Charades will likely cause breakage.

If you have exceptionally low blood pressure, and would like to adopt one of these pets, you need to know where to find the shelter. Actually, a golf driving range isn’t a bad idea. You have guys who can, and guys who can’t, there. Look for the fella who rents a club, then post up in a booth behind him, since it is likely he will shank a shot and hurt someone. When he finally hits a ball, ask him for pointers. Maybe he’ll get behind you, and fix your grip.

Other places where you can find these fumblers are reading on the beach (make sure there’s no boards or snorkeling equipment nearby), and coffee shops. Yes, coffee shops. Nothing physical required there. If he has a ruggedized laptop or tablet, you know he’s flooded his keyboard with a latte more than once. He’s your man. Wear a thick napkin on your lap, and enjoy.

How To Date Italian Men

gondoIt’s good to know we get free passes to be fill-in-the-blank-ist when we are members of the group we are referring to. I am Italian—100%. That means I can use the D-word and the W-word without harming my social standing. Now, listen up, my greaseballas.

Here are generalizations I’ve heard about Italian men:

  • We are all in the Mafia.
  • We beat and mistreat our women.
  • We have oily hair and skin.
  • We are furry.
  • We can’t be faithful.
  • We worship our mothers and the sauce they make.

I’ll not deny or agree with these, nor will I be offended by them. Actually, I find them chuckle-worthy. (And, if you don’t, you should expect to find a horse head in your bed in the morning, faccia a culo.) But, if you are considering dating Vito, allow me to suggest some reasons you should:

  • He’ll cook for you.
  • He’ll scare the fuck out of your ex.
  • He’ll peel off a hundy when requested.
  • Viagra won’t be necessary.
  • Your children will behave, or else.
  • You’ll gain a legion of relatives.

All Vito expects from you is to be faithful, and not throw things at him like his Aunt Mary once did when he tried to paint the dog.

We’ve all heard about the “Friday night other woman.” Unacceptable. How does one keep an Italian man faithful? Lots of sex and appreciation is a good start. Then, beg his mother for recipes. She can be bought.

If you’ve targeted Vinny, and you have no idea how to get him into your gondola, consider me your gondolier. First, keep in mind his ego is big as Aunt Josie’s antipasto. Play to that. Walk up, grab his tie, pull him close, and say, “Hey, handsome. Want to share a Chianti with me?”

Always offer to pay, but don’t ever actually whip out a card. He’ll be offended, especially if someone sees it. Just give thanks and praise, then promise repayment in the form of a nice home-cooked meal, or sex.

You need to have his parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, etc. all love you. (I skipped cousins, because those are usually devious bastards who will either feed you false information or hit on you.) How do you get Paulie’s peeps to like you? Simple. Feed them.

Petey is one hairy goomba, so deal with it. Do not suggest that he should shave his chest or arms. Trimming is fine. If you’re kind enough, he might agree to groom out back or over last night’s newspaper. If not, deal with it. Sorry about the curlies on the soap. You should have bought the liquid stuff.

Well, best wishes with Tony. He’s a good-a boy.

How To Date Fanatical Men

fanI’m not a fan of this fan. You know the guy—spilling his beer while he screams at the referee … on TV. He owns and wears his favorite team jersey when the game is on. He refers to his team using “we” instead of “they.”

All right. At least he’s a passionate little guy, instead of a lifeless lump. You need to have him channel that energy toward something he has a modicum of control over—something like cunnilingus, perhaps. Too much? How about landscape maintenance?

If you are also frantically fanatic, you don’t want to date this sort of guy, or you’ll be brawling constantly.

You need to be the calming force for this mascot perv. When he starts throwing his tantrum over the foul that wasn’t called, he needs you to lower his blood pressure. Don’t attempt do this by saying, “Calm down, Honey.” That will make things worse.

(You don’t like when he says you’re overreacting or too sensitive, or if he asks if you have PMS. Right?)

Best to agree with his assessment, then cause a distraction. Here are some suggestions:

  • “That was an awful call. Here, look at my nipple.”
  • “Would you like a beej?”
  • “Hey, I found some Creamsicles in the freezer!”
  • “How does my ass look in these yoga pants?”
  • “Wanna watch some porn?”

If you have your sights set on one of these guys, here’s how to get him into your scrum. Find a clingy jersey. Pink is ideal. Wear it to his favorite sports bar. If the bar serves beer in aluminum bottles (I already hate this bar), order one and post up near a TV. If you don’t already know how, it would be awesome if you could learn how to put two fingers in your mouth and whistle loudly.

(You thought I was going somewhere else with your fingers, didn’t you? Maybe later.)

Keep your eye on him, and determine his favorite player and adult beverage. During a commercial break, bring him that beverage, and say, “Let’s cheers to Joey Jocko.” Then chug a few gulps, and burp—not one of those hair-parting, windshield dotting, intestinal belches. You’re a lady. Cover your mouth with your jersey, burp-squeak, then giggle, and say “Excuse me.” He’ll be smitten, my kitten.

How To Date Distant Men

ldrelAh, long-distance love. Can it be? Perhaps. Like sushi, there’s good and bad.

Face it, men are annoying. Keep them in a separate box, and you’ll have fewer migraines. There’s no rule that you must share a bed, home, or town, for that matter. Learn to say, “Thanks for the nookie. Bye-bye, now.”

You do need to keep tabs on the fellow, though, because if he’s not getting it regularly from you, he’s getting it from a local provider. Now, some would have no problem with that. You know, “If a tree gets laid in the woods and nobody hears it …” That’s the healthiest attitude, while not the healthiest, physically speaking.

An important aspect of dating out-of-towners is to always have the next rendezvous on the calendar. If he knows he’s about to get some, he might refrain from getting some along the way.

There’s another type of distant man—the emotionally distant man. Why would you want to date him? Fuck if I know. Statues make lousy lovers.

Back to the physically distant.

Let’s say you meet a dreamy guy on Match, and the site politely informs you he lives 100 miles from you. Hmm. Slim pickings in your area, huh? Fine. If you insist he’s worth $4.50 a gallon, you should negotiate penis custody two weekends a month. Then deliver your vagina to him one weekend a month (because, you’re the lady). On the fourth weekend, Goddess rests. That rest could be due to lady issues, or simply because he’s getting on your nerves, and you’re in desperate need of a ladies night without a man-barnacle.

Whether this works or not depends on your sex drive and your trust. They need to be similar for both parties involved, or you’re going to wind up with a nuisance. If you have one of those gotta-have-it-every-night sex drives, this won’t work. Don’t try it, unless you have a magnificent vibrator.

With this type of fling, the goal should be to eventually shrink the distance as the relationship blossoms. In the event that it wilts, at least you won’t be crossing paths with this particular ex that often.

How To Date Religious Men

religiousmenNo, I’m not referring to men of the cloth. I mean the guy who constantly refers to his good friend, Jesus. If you share his enthusiasm for mythology, you’ll still collide on a few issues, but not nearly as many as you will if you’re god-free (like me).

For some odd reason, highly religious guys are typically a bit misogynistic. Could it be because the old curmudgeons who wrote those scriptures were all about keeping slaves? Perhaps. Whatever the reason, your man needs to know that mistreatment won’t be tolerated. He needs to worship you like Mother Mary, or amscray.

However, I bet he has no problem treating you like Whore Mary in the bedroom (when you’re in the mood for such a thing). I can’t tell you what should tickle your petunia; that’s your thing. If you need a few smacks on the tuckus, some hair pulling, and dark fantasy to get you there, this should be a highly-qualified guy.

You see, religious men have so much pent up guilt, they need to vent that shit. Luckily for them, they can go tell some perverted old bastard they are sorry, and all is forgiven—no eternal bonfires for them.

Naturally, church is a great place to meet this man. Pull up a pew nearby and check him out before approaching him. If the church features sing-along, you’ll see if he’s going to embarrass the shit out of you at a karaoke bar. If there’s kneeling, squatting, and bowing, you’ll see how pliable his joints are. When the good ole wicker basket makes it way down the aisle, you’ll see what sort of spender he is. (If he throws change in, or takes change for a fiver, get ready for a frequent dose of Arby’s).

If he hasn’t given you reason not to, it’s best to approach this deluded ding-dong in the vestibule. (Google that shit.) He won’t be able to escape so easily. I recommend you ask him to share a latte, while explaining how exactly that Noah dude was able to build a fucking aircraft carrier, without rivets.

Wouldn’t it be best to chase a fellow who is spiritual, not religious? It would free up Sunday mornings for … you know. You still get to enjoy all the holiday fun (food and eggnog), without “Jesus said …” being constantly thrown in your face. Yoga is spiritual. You like yoga. This guy’s perfect, unless he’s one of those hyper-sweat machines. Yuck.

Just avoid all of the nonsense by finding guys with similar beliefs to yours, or none. Guys who have no beliefs, know how to behave properly and live it up, since there’s only one life to live.