We’re not all made of stone. (Though, you probably wish a certain part of us were.) Some of us will actually tear up when our heartstrings are tugged—others, only when a nose hair is tugged. Here, I’m referring to emotionally sensitive men. Let’s discuss the physically sensitive ones later.
First, congratulate yourself for considering this type of man. Is this something your mother forced on you? No? Hmm. Look, I know you say you want to date a kinder, gentler type of man, but I keep seeing you hanging out with tattooed, road-raging, chew spitting biker freaks. You’re over them? Are you sure? Because, if you relapse and climb back on that wagon with the Harley decal, you’re going to do some serious emotional damage to this already fragile man.
Where does one find such a man? I suggest movie theaters. You’re going to need to snoop a bit to make sure he’s seeing a rom-com and not some blow-shit-up flick. See if he orders a croissant and coffee, and uses a napkin for a heat insulator—prime target. Follow him into the theater, plop your gracious butt next to his, smile, and greet him. During the movie, when he sniffs, pat his forearm. Ole Pissy-Eyes will be yours.
Other places to search for the tender man include animal shelters, salons, and Hallmark stores. If you catch him reading greeting cards, he’s your man. Ask him to help you find a card for your brother who has just had his appendix removed. He’ll leap (or curtsy) at the chance.
Once you have Mr. Placid locked in as a steady dude, you need some advice about proper care and maintenance. Your main objective is to keep him far away from that slutty friend of yours, who you like to hang with because of her sexcapade stories. If she gets her hands on him, she will bang him into next Thursday just to find out what it is you see in him. He’ll be ruined. Keep her away.
Whereas you’re usually the one starved for that text or call, chances are he’ll be much more needy. (Good. You’ll see how fucking annoying it is to constantly count the minutes since responding to your “How’s your day?” text. It’s stressful and it sucks monkey butt, let me tell ya.) He’s going to text you and call you constantly. Happy now? Oh, he’s also going to ask what’s wrong every few hours. Most of the time nothing will be wrong. He’ll still ask—over and over until something is wrong.
You need to accompany him to family gatherings. This will give you valuable insight into what made him this way. (My guess is he was raised by a single mother, and he grew up with three sisters and a parakeet.) Be prepared to have his mother show you baby pictures. Deep breath.
He’s going to need constant reassurance and affection. He’ll bring you around his friends, and ask you to sit on his lap, so he can feel proud of his achievement, and so his friends will stop picking on him about his frosted hair and Prius. Sensitive does not (always) suggest sausage-lover.
Enjoy His Kindness, while it lasts. Smile when you find his I-Love-You sticky notes everywhere. Appreciate his clean toenails. Do this until you can’t live without that next spanking.