Archives for October 2013

What would you do with your own, personal Jesus?

jesusptLet me preface this with the fact that I am way atheist. I don’t even say, “Bless you” when people sneeze; I say, “I acknowledge your sneeze.” If the notion that I don’t have the same imaginary beings as you bothers you, simply replace (CTRL+H) all the occurrences of Jesus henceforth with Yoda, and forgive me, as you are commanded.


I sure could use a Jesus. For one, I like wine … lots. We’re all aware of that wonderful skill my man has of changing water into grape-flavored social lubrication. My Jesus would take that shit a step further and create slightly chilled Silver Oak Alexander Valley Cabernet with a side of cotton-dry Parmesan, and Chicken Biskit crackers. Bliss.

Most people would have the fella do something more substantial, like raise the dead. Guess that would be kind of cool. Dead people stink, though. Could they bathe first? I don’t need raising. Figure I’ll pretty much have left my muddy footprint on this marble by the time I rot. He could raise a few ex-pets of mine, but I have enough cat turd mining to keep me annoyed.

I guess if you’re into seafood, you could have the fella whip up quite a feast. You like lobster? No problem. King crab legs? Walking right up! Warm bread is cool, but it freaks me out a little when old men claim they’re blessing me by handing over tasty slices of some two-thousand-year-old dude. Can’t it just be pressed bread? Do me a favor and nuke that, Father. How about some lemony dipping butter? Goes wonderfully with them crustaceans.

We all could use a little Jesus in the sack. We certainly call for his and his father’s assistance as we get closer to the gushing. I’d have my Jesus add a slight upward curve to get me closer to pay-dirt. Sure, the ability to delay orgasm until she cries “Uncle” would come in handy.

What else? You could ask your Jesus for money. You wouldn’t appreciate it as much as earning it. Take it back one step–ask him to give you a great idea that will make you lots of money while healing sickness, stopping hunger, filling a few potholes, creating abs, or whatever.

Jesus could give you relationship advice. I’ve gotten some. I was mid-fuck-up in a recent relationship and sought consoling and advice from Big J.

“So, Jesus, why are you single? You seem like a nice enough guy. Chicks must dig you. Yet, you seem to be riding clouds solo most of the time while women kick me around like a Hacky Sack.”

“Shhh, my son. Listen. Listen carefully. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of my girlfriend not giving me any shit.”


The Seven Deadly Sins – Updated

sinsThese little ditties need updating. Oh, who fucking sloths anymore? Sloths, perhaps. How many sloths do you come across? My point exactly. Like everything, sins change over the years. We’ve had a few thousand years to archive the old and come up with the new. We’re not sacrificing animals on altars, and we’re not stoning people. That’s old bad. We need new naughties. I’m no god, but I’m pretty good at being bad, so allow me to step up to the podium, chisel the 2013 version, and cast them out to some online Moses so he can put them on his Facebook page or something.

  1. Lightbeerness – Beer shalt not be lightened. If you want fizzy water, get a fucking club soda with fruit, stop annoying the bartender, and get off of my bar stool.
  2. Decaffeination – Coffee without caffeine is like sunscreen without the screen.
  3. Cunnilicknot – A man who refuses to return the favor of a woman who just gagged herself and took a lump of yucky cock snot to the throat, is an evil man who deserves to go clean out the garage.
  4. Hipstery – Ankles must be allowed to breathe, facial hair must be groomed, and booze doesn’t belong in paper bags.
  5. Extrapointless – Arguably the most boring event in sports, unless you’re Tony Romo.
  6. Selfies – Do not take a picture of yourself … doing anything … ever.
  7. Denial – Stop lying, trying to convince everyone you didn’t do it. You did. You screwed the tranny, farted, stole the lip gloss, were staring at her tits, sent that tweet, left the empty coffee pot, sped, masturbated recently, left a shitty tip, etc. You don’t need to admit it, but stop wasting media attention denying it. Listen to the experts–keep your mouth shut, and never rat on your friends.

Avoid these deadly sins, and you’ll live eternally in paradise. Oh, and make this 7b–Don’t take what you read so seriously.

Oh, why do I care? #obamacare

obamacareI’m stuck watching silly news stations while killing myself on the treadmill at my gym. Sure, some of the hosts are fun to look at (Erin Burnett, preggo or not), but the palaver that spews makes my head spin. It’s like going to a football game–there’s nothing any fan can say to convert a fan for the other team. It’s a wasted effort, much like the political finger-pointing. So, we common folk sit back and watch our elected officials fatten their wallets while acting like children who don’t want to share.

Most of the dispute is around this thing dubbed Obamacare. From what I understand, it basically makes it so people who couldn’t normally afford health insurance can get it, with government subsidy. OK. Sounds nice. Sure, it’s going to cost the rest of us who can afford it, and that sucks a bit. But, I have a question:

Shouldn’t the price of health insurance be based on your health, not your age, gender, or income level?

All other insurance rates are set this way. Drive an expensive car, drive recklessly, and get lots of tickets, and you pay more for auto insurance. Live in an expensive home, with a dangerous trampoline, and keep a huge attack dog on premises instead of a security system, and you pay more for home insurance.

There’s a very simple solution to this health insurance problem, which would also go a long way toward moving people away from slow suicide (overeating, smoking, and not exercising).

Charge people based on their likelihood of needing medical treatment, which has little to do with age. Set a high monthly price, and offer discounts for proven fitness.


  • Low body mass index.
  • Healthy blood pressure level.
  • Low cholesterol.
  • Run a mile in under ten minutes.
  • No cavities or significant tooth issues related to not flossing, etc.
  • Gym membership with proven attendance.
  • Not smoking.
  • Taking vitamins.
  • Having an annual heart scan showing low or no plaque or blockages.
  • Being fixed. (Look, pregnancy is expensive.)

You want lower rates? Fine. Get healthier.

Sure, many people would throw fits about this–the unhealthy ones. They’d use excuses about genetic disposition and the cost or scarcity of healthy options. “Tough man-titties,” I say. “If you don’t care enough about yourself to do the things to extend you life, and keep your medical costs low, why should I care about you? You’re not helping the human experiment. You’re hurting it. Plus, if you have children, you’re fucking them up, and making things worse for the sustainability of our species. You’re going to need expensive exams, drugs, and procedures to keep you alive, when we’d all be better off if you died (nothing personal) because your genes aren’t worth passing on, and you’d cost us less.”


I’m not talking about Naziism or ethnic cleansing. All I’m saying is if it’s more expensive to keep unhealthy people alive, those people need to pay more to live. Making them pay more should encourage them to get healthier, just like raising car insurance rates motivates people to stop speeding, driving drunk, and doing other things likely to result in expensive repairs and claims. Call it Don’t-Be-a-Fat-Ass Care. Whatever. I don’t care.